When do you stop? Am I mad!

Now some of you may think I’m stupid, some may understand and the rest couldn’t care less! But here goes…

I’ve recently turned 39 and as i now start the countdown towards the next big birthday i’m contemplating with the notion have i had enough children. Some of you who just read that I envisage eyes bolting out of their head and saying to themselves, “are you crazy?”

And to be fair if it was me looking at my life as someone else I’d probably say the same! But hear me out first.

As some of you may know I have three beautiful children one of them being disabled, all three are such different characters and I probably wouldn’t change them for the world. Over the last six months or so the wife & I have constantly been back & forth on whether to have another. We both said we always wanted to have four children but with various health problems and the constant financial strain I think that the fourth will not blossom even though a good portion of me still yearns for that little one to nurture.

Our youngest was three in June and he is a HANDFUL! He does deter us from having anymore, but when he is in a loving & caring mood it’s those times that we’ll miss when he starts school and I think to myself “we could have one more, couldn’t we ?”

Age for me isn’t an issue like it used to be regarding having children as I got older, I felt once I was past my mid – thirties that was it no more! It’s now upon reflection that I more than we can do it and still bring another life into this world we’ve come this far and managed to challenge and overcome all that the world has thrown at us, so surely we can…DSC_1599

 

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I’m not always sure…

Like it states in the title “I’m not always sure…” about a lot when it comes to my disabled son Grayson, but I take each day as it comes.

I think I find it the hardest when he is ill. They say that as his parent no one knows him better than you which I think 95% of the time is true. It is difficult caring for him and with him not being able to tell you in anyway how he is feeling or what he wants other than in the way he has learnt, can be quite gut wrenching at times.

So when he is ill his disability’s seem so much worse, other than cleaning his nose and dosing him up on everything you can I just have to sit there and suffer so to speak. Watching him struggling to breathe and swallow through his mouth because his nose is so blocked, barely eating at the best of times as it is so when ill next to nothing on the food front.

But even after all this suffering he goes through on a fairly regular basis, he still manages to make me smile even when inside his own head he’s probably screaming “daddy help me”

And all I can do is carry on what I am doing I guess.

I love you Son xxx

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